ideal

hmmm. so i havent really been thinking. just gettin annoyed
once again galvans bein a douche. but i will not elaborate cus galvan doesnt deserve a post on my blog

so. i always thought i can control my emotions really well. even when im mad, if i want to be happy i can do it. if i was jjajeungnah, i could calm down as i wished. cus its my emotions. and since its my emotions i control my emotions. emotions dont control me. its not im my emotion's there mine. so year theres the point. and it wasnt difficult to control them. but theres always something that get me. one part i cant control. and i dont know why. i get jjajeungnah really easy. but at the same time it changes back to being happy really quickly. not cus its controlled by me. but cus its controlled by someone else. i realized that my emotions are slowly not being contorlled by me. but by someone else. i worry too much. i panic too much.

i wish i was better with words. what i just wrote. i dont think thats what i was tryin to say. i got it into words. but not words i want them to be in. they dont mean what i expressed. so yea. that was a pointless paragraph that doesnt mean anything. i think im really weak with words. my vocabulary is really small and i can never get things into words. so thats one thing i wish i was good at. words

so talent show tomrrow. oh another thing i realized. i have no talent. i try to find something im good at. but theres really not much im not good at. i was trying to pick an elective. but theres nothing i want to do and nothin i can really do. cus im not really good at anything. i need to find something im good at. and please dont say tennis. ahaha cus i really think i hav no interest in that. i thought i was good at sports for a bit. i guess im somewhat okay with sports. but not really good in any of them. so wish number two. find a talent or something im good at.

over the last year all my dreams disappreared. there were so many things that i wanted to do with my life. i wanted to go to a good college, graduate, get a good job, and become rich. but they all disappeared. my college goals disappeared. and im like fine with cal state and a part of me is kinda wanting it. i think i got really lazy. so im slowly giving up on college and just goin to watever college there is. dont really feel like my parents have big dreams for me either. career. i wanna do the same thing but im not willing to put as much effort as i wanted to and not as willing to try hard. if it comes ill be happy with it. and if it doesnt then i guess thats life. but i dont think i should be thinking this way. if i want to do it i should try hard. but yea im gettin lazy and my gpas falling. i can raise that. anyway. so third wish get my goals or whatever back up.

i wonder who reads these. anyway sorry for making it long whoevers reading it.

tennis season started. but this year im really not liking tennis. last year i was okay to go to practice. and i guess i somewhat liked it. but this year. tennis sucks. i hate goin to practice. and i havent even went to a single full legit practice yet. but im really not liking tennis. i wanna quit. but tennis is like the only thing ive been doin for more than a year and i want to sitck with something. i dont really want it to be tennis. but i really havent done anything else for more than a year and i guess i have no choice with this cus i dont relaly have anything else to pick from. wanna quit tennis but i think i shouldnt.

my head is really blank today. im like half dead. no ones suppose to call me. but im like waiting for a call. no particular reason. but for some reason i wish my fone would ring. ive kinda been staring at my fone for awhile now. but theres probably gonna be no calls. so i shouldnt expect any.

cant write my essay. cus nothing comes to mind about it. well ill write it later. bs something up.